I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
