i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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