i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
