Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
