He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
