and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
