I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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