You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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