Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
