I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
