it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
