Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
