I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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