you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
