I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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