Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
