I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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