Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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