Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
