also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
