my being single is dangerous.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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