oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize