I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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