You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize