and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
