I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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