It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
