Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize