life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have already put on my inside pants.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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