I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
