my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
