You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
