remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
