i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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