i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
