I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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