Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
