i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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