This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
