i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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