I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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