Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize