I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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