I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
