God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
