the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Randomize
