So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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