babies were throwing up all over the place
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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