She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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