I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
