That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
