I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
did i walk over a car last night?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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