respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
