I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
