the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
