I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
