I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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