My liver just broke up with me...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
