On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
smell my finger.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
