I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize