dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You've changed since you got that strap on
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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