yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
