Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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