Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
