and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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