then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
