I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
