I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
