I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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