Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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