I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
