i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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