The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
