Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
